What Happens When the Family I've Always Wanted is Not What I Expected?

The Forgiving Family of God

The Family I Have Always Wanted Part 2

In my last blog I discussed how looking at the examples of Abraham’s family, my family, and the church shows how God can and will give us the family we have always wanted. Some of us have suffered loss. Some of us have been hurt. Some of us struggle with depression. Some of us struggle with loneliness. The list goes on but God’s family includes all of us, if we believe in Christ. We have a place in God’s family. This is quite a remarkable truth. However, there is another side to this story that should be addressed. Let me tell you about my family, that is, the family I’ve always wanted. They are adulterers, fornicators, murderers, thieves, robbers, and the list goes on. They are a selfish, slothful, and lazy family. Is this really the family I’ve always wanted? For every good thing or good person in God’s family, there is a bad thing or bad person in it. Why would anyone want to be a part of this family? In an earlier blog I asked the question, “Where is God?” God has made a new family made of all people. God is present in his people making them into a new humanity and a new family. So God’s family, the family I have always wanted, is “a dwelling place for God by the Spirit,” as the Apostle Paul has declared. How can this be, given what is at times characteristic of this family? What happens when the family I’ve always wanted is not what I expected? I should practice forgiveness. We should practice forgiveness. God’s family embodies the dwelling place of God and represents God by being a forgiving family. When God’s family lives a life that practices forgiveness, as Christ has forgiven them, they echo God’s forgiveness to the world. God’s family forgives first and foremost because God has forgiven them and has reconciled them to himself through his son. God loved them and forgave them, so they in turn are to love similarly to others. Therefore, God’s family seeks to offer forgiveness and reconciliation to others. There is no limit to the amount God’s family seeks to offer forgiveness, since they are to imitate and echo the forgiveness of God. Truly being God’s family means learning how to forgive and learning how to be to others all the things God is to them.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

God’s family forgives first and foremost because of what God did in Christ to forgive and reconcile us to God. The apostle Paul affirmed this of God, “Now all things are from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and gave to us the ministry of reconciliation. That is, God was reconciling the world through Christ to himself, not counting their trespasses against them and having established in us the word of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:18-19). Here Paul affirms that God has reconciled us to himself. Reconciliation simply means “to reestablish proper friendly interpersonal relations after these have been disrupted or broken.”[1] Paul does not preface here that only certain trespasses or wrongdoings apply. God in Christ does not count any wrongdoing of those whom God has reconciled through his son. What great news for those who believe. Humanity does not deserve forgiveness and reconciliation but God does offer humanity this, as a gift.

God first loved humanity so that they in turn can love him and love others. John affirms this in his letter, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a means of forgiveness for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Here it is plain to see that God’s love is clearly linked to his forgiveness. God loves humanity and thus offers forgiveness to them. But John does not leave it there. He encourages, “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11). What happens when the family "we’ve" always wanted is not what "we" expected? They practice love that encompasses forgiveness.

God’s family is also to be a people that seek reconciliation. Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount quotes from the Old Testament declaring, “You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment” (Matt. 5:21). He continues by taking this a step further and declaring, “If you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire” (Matt. 5:22). This is quite a statement that almost makes his command seem impossible. However, Jesus offers a solution to anger and when anger is full blown, its desire to murder. Jesus gives an example when someone would go to the temple and give their gift to the altar. If they remembered that their brother or sister has something against them, they should leave their gift at the altar and first seek reconciliation with that person. Lastly, Jesus gives one more example of a lawsuit. Jesus says, “Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him or her, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison” (Matt. 5:25). Jesus is strongly emphasizing that to first be reconciled and to quickly come to terms with your accuser. This is a practical way that God’s family can practice forgiveness and seek reconciliation and thus break the cycle of anger, resentment, and murder.

God’s family is to offer forgiveness limitlessly. One of Jesus disciples named Peter asked Jesus a question about the limits of forgiveness. Peter asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times” (Matt. 18:21)? Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matt. 18:22). Some have said that seventy-seven times is not enough. This can be true, but Jesus was making the point to never hold something against another. This should not be limited.

Forgiveness in Practice

Miroslav Volf in his book Free of Charge tells a tragic story of his older brother that unfortunately he never got to know. His brother Daniel was five and Miroslav was only one. The two brothers were being watched by their long time nanny, aunt Milica. When aunt Milica was not looking, Daniel slipped through a large gate that was in the courtyard of the apartment complex. Daniel went to a small military base that was near their home. There were some soldiers who were in training and saw the boy. They were bored and in need of some entertainment. So they began to have some fun with Daniel. This is where the story begins to turn for the worst.

On that fateful day in 1957, one of them put him on a horse-drawn bread wagon. As they were passing through the gate on a bumpy cobblestone road, Daniel leaned sideways and his head got stuck between the door post and the wagon. The horses kept going. He died on the way to hospital – a son lost to parents who adored him, and an older brother that I would never know.[2]

What a tragic story for their family to have to go through. Miroslav figured out over the years that it was his long time nanny that was responsible for watching both of them. Someone has to take the blame for this, Miroslav thought. “When terrible things happen, people find someone to blame even when there’s no one to blame.”[3] But Miroslav’s mother did not tell him about aunt Milica’s being partly responsible to their family tragedy. Why? She had forgiven her. This was very difficult but she did. His mother now had a new understanding for the price God paid by send his one and only son to die for the sins of the world. “Aunt Milica was forgiven, and there was no more talk of her guilt, not even talk of her having been guilty.”[4] This is the hope of forgiveness. That is, to forgive, in such a way, that even the thought of a past offense is far from one’s mind. This is how God forgives humanity.

There is one more part to this story, and that is the part of the soldier. He was the one primarily responsible for Daniel’s tragic death. He took it so hard that he had to be hospitalized. Miroslav’s father did a very difficult and painful thing. He went to visit the soldier in the hospital to comfort and console him. He also let him know that that he and his wife had forgiven him. Miroslav’s parents went to court and said they would not press charges on the young man. They did not want to see another mother’s son’s life be wasted, because of a very careless decision. The soldier was discharged from the army and he went home unpunished. After this, Miroslav’s dad went to the home of the former soldier. Why did he go? Miroslav explains, “He was concerned for the soldier and wanted to talk to him once more of God’s love, which is greater than our accusing hearts, and of my parent’s forgiveness.”[5]

Resentment and Unforgiving

The New York Daily News reported this morning that a teen and her mother are suing her softball coach and are suing the city, claiming she busted her ankle because her high school coach never taught her how to slide.[6] She has not been able to play since her injury. Her mother and her demand justice. She said that the coach did not supersize the sliding. The coach delegated that to team veteran players to teach the younger players. The case is still pending at the moment.

Still My Family

Now based on the above, is this an appropriate response to take? Here are two examples of what people can do in response to a tragedy. One is of course considerably less tragic than the other, yet the one that is less tragic is seeking more in return. When God’s family lives a life that practices forgiveness, as Christ has forgiven them, they echo God’s forgiveness to the world. We are to be to others what God has been to us. Bitterness and resentment has no place in God’s family. This is still the family I have always wanted, because this family is the forgiving family of God that shows forgiveness to the world. The apostle Paul puts its well "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ" (1 Cor. 11:1). Let us all imitate Christ in how he forgives others.

A Few More Thoughts

I could say a lot more about forgiveness. The book I just completed reading is 240 pages long or so on the subject. Feel free to ask some clarifying questions. I would just add here, that a lot of times complete forgiveness does not always happen. There are many contributing factors to this. Sometimes the offender is a danger to themselves or to others. Sometimes the offender does not think they have offended anyone. But the hope still remains for complete forgiveness, because Christ forgave us. In God’s new world we will have complete forgiveness and reconciliation with one another. This is what forgiveness in today’s world points to and looks forward to.

Thanks for reading,

Marcelino

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[1] Johannes P.; Nida Louw, Eugene Albert Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains, 2nd ed., vol. 1 (New York: United Bible Society, 1996), 501.

[2] Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace(Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2005), 121.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., 122.

[5] Ibid., 123.

[6] See full article http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/queens/2009/12/16/2009-12-16_teen_plays_hardball_sues_city_hs_softball_coach_after_breaking_ankle_in_slide.html